The Nose Still Knows
by Oddwen Floddball
Summary: The Nose returns for revenge, this time taking Gandalf...and it's finished. I'm done with it. Yay. I'm so happy.
1. Chaper One

Second verse! Different than the first! A little bit longer and a little bit worse!  
If you haven't read "The Nose Knows", this may not make sense. Seven chapters this time, plus an extra. Enjoy! :)  
  
Happy 1st day of May, y'all. :)  
  
Yo0DoodLoodHood, I don't use Word. Nor do I have Notepad. I have a Macintosh, and I use Simpletext. I hope this is fixed.  
  
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Gandalf the grey made his merry way towards the Shire. Safe in his horse drawn cart, he felt oblivious to the outside world. The Shire was peaceful, as always, untroubled by outside events, with nothing to shatter its peace, save for the few arguments cropping up here and there.   
  
An elderly hobbit gave the wizard a suspicious eye as he hoed his garden. Gandalf seemingly gave no notice to this, and made his way to Bag End. He pulled up less than an hour later.   
  
He surveyed the familiar hedge, gate and garden fondly. How long ago had it been when he had sent Bilbo out that very same door? It almost seemed like an age or more ago, and yet in some ways not so. He walked up and knocked on the door with his staff.  
  
"Half a moment!" came a voice from inside. Gandalf looked closer at the door. It seemed to have been broken then repaired and not yet repainted. It opened, and Frodo Baggins greeted Gandalf joyously.  
  
"Gandalf!" he cried. "What a surprise! I'm so glad you're back. Come in, come in! Would you like some tea?" The two sat down in the parlor and discussed old times.  
  
"What brings you to the Shire, Gandalf?" said Frodo.  
  
"To check in on you, of course. I did promise Bilbo that I would keep an eye on you, after all." The wizard puffed a smoke ring of enormous size.  
  
"Gandalf," Frodo began cautiously, "Something happened a few weeks back. Something very odd." He went on and told the wizard about Merry's nose. Gandalf seemed at a loss for words.  
  
"Indeed, that is very odd," he said. "I find it odd that I did not hear this discussed in every corner of the Shire when I came in!"  
  
"We decided that we wouldn't tell anyone, it's too personal. We just said Merry tripped and fell and broke his nose. Even Pippin agreed that this should be kept secret. Though tongues are wagging. There was the incident in the Dragon."  
  
"Peregrin Took is keeping his mouth shut? That alone is cause for suspicion." He puffed some more. "Very unusual indeed."  
  
"I've kept it from Pippin, but I saw Merry the other day," Frodo shifted positions uncomfortably. "I could have been wrong, but I though his nose was a bit swollen."  
  
"Good gracious me!" said Gandalf. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think this was just a joke you three were playing on me. Meriadoc and Peregrin were always jokers, and you would have put them to shame in your prime!" He winked at Frodo who smiled impishly. A scrabbling sound came from the kitchen. Frodo excused himself and went to see about it. To his amaze, when he opened the corner cupboard, a slightly disheveled Merry met his eyes.  
  
"Estella...I mean hello, Frodo, heh," he said rubbing his eyes. "I was having the oddest dream, Why, what am I doing here?" He looked around puzzledly.  
  
"I don't know," Frodo began, but just at that moment Gandalf walked in.  
  
"Well, master Meriadoc, just what brings you into the cupboard this fine day?" he said folding his arms.  
  
"I don't rightly know," said Merry. "When did you get here?"  
  
"Just a couple of hours ago," said the wizard throwing a bemused glance at Frodo. "I've been hearing a lot about you, lately."  
  
"Oh, the, um, nose story?" said Merry uncomfortably.  
  
"Yes, quite inventive, wouldn't you say?"  
  
"Yes, nobody believed Pippin when he told us. But he saved our lives that night."  
  
"Indeed." He would have said more, but Sam Gamgee walked in at that moment.  
  
"Your hedges are all clipped, Mr. Frodo sir, and, well good day Mr. Gandalf! I thought that was your cart out front!" he said.  
  
"Cart, yes that reminds me, I have a few packages to bring in, do you mind helping a poor old man?"  
  
"Nowt at all, Mr. Gandalf. Me old Gaffer was just sayin' how that ointment that Mr. Bilbo gave 'im as a parting gift helped him." Sam continued and the wizard gave Frodo a hunted look as they went out.  
  
"Was it just me or did he seem rather disbelieving of that story?" said Merry to Frodo.  
  
"He did seem suspicious at first, and then you, how did you get in here anyway?"  
  
Merry scratched his head. "I don't know...last thing I remember was going to take a nap, and then I wake up here. Well, as long as I am here, how about a glass of Old Winyards for an old friend?" He smiled most winningly, then hiccuped. Frodo sighed and rolled his eyes.  
  
"You're incorrigable, Brandybuck," he said.   
  
Yes, thought the Nose. Yes, we are. 


	2. Chapter Two

Yeah, this chapter is short. And wierd. Oh well...  
It was late night, when all were asleep, that the Nose made its move. Its host, the one they called Merry, awoke easily if it could be called awake, his senses deadened and his body made subject to the Nose's will. They were soft, these hobbits. Quite easy to deal with. It had dealt with many other races that required much more than this puny effort! Its first failure was a fluke, he had moved too soon. A mistake not likely to be duplicated. The four who knew thought that it was subdued. They were never more wrong. As for the wizard, yes, even wizards can be easy at times. He had placed a doubt, a very small doubt into his mind. Soon it would consume him. And if not, something else would. Oh yes, the Nose had a plan. It directed Merry towards Bag End, making him walk through a few puddles just to make the walk challenging. He'd wake up with a cold maybe, and that would make its job a bit easier.  
  
It crept into Bag End easily. The stupid hobbits never locked their doors, much the better. The wizard was snoozing in front of the fire, pipe still in hand. The Nose paused. Perhaps he didn't need to be killed. He could serve a better purpose--an explanation for the disappearance of that silly Baggins. It made Merry shake his arm, and the wizard started.  
  
"Wha?" he said "Merry?"  
  
"Hello, Gandalf," he hissed. "I have come for you." 


	3. Chapter Three

Frodo awoke very early the next morning, unsure why he did so. He yawned, got dressed, and then walked to the kitchen. He decided to make his own breakfast. He never had the heart to tell Sam, but his eggs were a bit...on the runny side. He had hidden his three ruined shirts lest Sam find them. Anyway, Sam had been doing a lot lately. He just hoped he wouldn't go on about "Mr. Frodo is a gentlehobbit if there ever was one and he hadn't ought to go botherin' himself about no breakfast!". He chuckled. It wasn't a bother, really. He was just setting a pot of tea on, when he noticed Gandalf was sitting in his chair, as if he hadn't moved at all from the previous night.  
  
"You're up early, Gandalf!" he called. But there was no answer. He went into the parlor. "Gandalf, did you fall asleep in your chair?" he said. He gently shook the wizard's arm. The scream that came into his throat never passed his lips.  
  
Samwise Gamgee rushed over several hours later, rubbing his sleep-filled eyes. He had slept late accidentally, and that did not happen often.  
  
"Sam Gamgee, if Mr. Frodo's gone and starved because you hadn't fixed him breakfast..." He opened the door and was greeted by a wall of smoke.  
  
"Mr. Frodo!" he shouted. There was no answer. "Don't worry Mr. Frodo! Sam's coming!" He rushed in the kitchen and hurriedly took the sausages off the fire.  
  
"Now look Gamgee, poor old Mr. Frodo's gone and burnt his sausage! What would me Gaffer say to that?" He started opening windows and wandered into the parlor.  
  
"Hullo Mr. Gandalf sir! Have you seen Mr. Frodo?" There was no answer. Sam wondered how he could have slept through all that smoke.  
  
"Mr. Gandalf?" he said louder. "Are you awake?" He touched him gently on the shoulder. He barely had time to think let alone react when the he was grabbed with a grip more powerful than iron.  
  
Merry, feeling some sort of obligation for filching Frodo's Old Winyards had went and, well, 'borrowed' a few vegetables from Farmer Maggot and was taking them to Bag End to pay Frodo back. He noticed that the door was half open, and the air smelled faintly like smoke. He walked cautiously inside.  
  
"Hello?" he called. "Now that's odd," he muttered. "Not like Frodo to sleep in so late. And Sam isn't here?" He set the vegetables on the table and started looking around. He walked into the parlor and saw Gandalf seated, seemingly asleep. He felt a tugging, as if someone were steering him away from the wizard.   
  
"Gandalf?" he said. "Have you seen Sam and Frodo?" He was very close, within arms reach. The tugging became more urgent. As if to prove himself against a dare, he reached out. A hissing like that of snakes and he was gone.  
  
Pippin was on a nice little mid-morning walk to get up a healthy appetite for Breakfast, Second and First, and he happened to go past Bag End.  
  
"I might as well pop in and see my dear cousin Frodo," he said to himself. "Who knows, he might ask me to stay for a glass or two of Old Winyards!" He walked in. On the kitchen table was a basket of vegetables.  
  
"Now isn't that nice! I wonder if he left these here for me?" said Pippin. He took a carrot and noticed the burnt pan in the sink. It looked as if Frodo had tried to cook breakfast again. Why couldn't he just give it up and let Sam do the cooking? It had gone on for as long as Pippin could remember: Frodo would get up earlier and earlier in a futile attempt to beat Sam, but he had always lost. Sam seemed to have a sort of sixth sense about his master's every need and want.  
Pippin wandered into the parlor on his way to the wine cellar, and he saw Gandalf.  
  
"Well hello Gandalf! When did you get here?" he cried. But the wizard was unresponsive. Pippin almost went over and shook him, but something about the way he was laying troubled him. That slackness of jaw, the peaceful expression, that pale hue, it was familiar somehow. He tremblingly stretched out his hand.  
Bwahahaha! 


	4. Chapter Four

Hmm, it's been a while! Sorry. Here's another chapter. Yes yes, I almost forgot. This story would not have been possible without the excellent co-Author-ship-ness of my brother Tweak.  
  
When he was only a few inches away from the wizard, Pippin heard the hissing. He paused, and it saved his life. The grey tendrils of the wizard's beard curled around his fingers, and he cried out. The rest of the beard exploded, and Pippin kicked against the chair. He jerked his free, and he fell against the wall. The beard curled and hissed like snakes at him. Pippin shook. It couldn't be! No!  
  
"No," he whispered, as if that could have made it so. He waited, and the beard calmed down. How could this be? The Nose had been destroyed! He knew it had to be the Nose.  
  
"No," he whispered again. "It can't be, you're imagining things!" He crept again to the wizard's side. With the carrot, he gently prodded the beard. With the speed of a striking snake, it curled around the carrot and drew it in. Pippin heard screaming, and then a voice said "Hey, a carrot!".   
  
Pippin screamed and ran out of Bag End as fast as he possibly could. He ran home. He dashed inside and dove under his bed. He clamped his hands over his ears and tried to think of flowers, and orchards, and mushrooms, but all he could think of was the Nose, standing there before him, taunting evilly. He awoke, not knowing how he could have fallen asleep. He thought back on the beard. Somehow he knew that it had Frodo, Sam, and maybe Merry too. He also knew that nobody would believe him if he tried to get help. Most of the hobbits were suspicious of the wizard as it was, and the rest would never believe him. If there was any rescuing to be done, he was going to have to do it.  
  
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The hobbits awoke almost at once, but the terror that brought them had not left them alone: they were within the beard now. A grey haze, seemingly stretching on forever enveloped them in an unseen grip of terror. It was not the grey of either dawn or dusk, more like a nothingness that swallowed both light and dark, and they clutched each other for the fear.  
  
"Wh-where are we?" said Sam. "Me Gaffer'd have something to say, and no mistake!"  
  
"And as usual you have nothing to say, right Sam?" snapped Merry.  
  
"Well look who's talkin', seein' as it's your nose as brought us here in the first place!" said Sam.  
  
"There's no use arguing," said Frodo. "What we should be doing is looking for a way out!" They wandered for how long they did not know, though oddly they did not seem to move. Their surroundings were monotonous and ominous at the same time. Then the mists started moving overhead. They watched fearfully as something long and--orange poked its way through.  
  
"Hey, it's a carrot!" cried Merry. "Someone's there!" There was a shriek and the carrot dropped. The mists gently wavered and returned to oblivious movement.   
  
"Um, Frodo, isn't that carrot a bit, large?" said Merry staring at it.  
  
"Now there's an eye opener and no mistake," breathed Sam. Indeed, the carrot was at least five feet in diameter.  
  
"At least we won't grow hungry," said Frodo.   
  
"I wonder if the Nose has a plan with all this," said Merry looking around. Sam and Frodo turned to Merry as if for the first time. "What?" he said.  
  
"The Nose," said Frodo. "The Nose is on your face."  
  
"Oh, I can't believe I didn't notice that," said Merry in a mocking voice. "Sometimes you amaze me, cousin." He rolled his eyes. "Where else would it be?"  
  
"I could wish it very far away," sighed Frodo. "But that wouldn't help. What I meant to mean, so to speak, is that it must have some sort of plan. It's here, and not outside wreaking havoc."  
  
"Probably to keep us quiet," muttered Sam.  
  
"But about what?" said Merry. The companions sat in the greyness and wondered. 


	5. Chapter Five annnnd

Eep! It's been far too long! I humbly apologize. Thus, therefore, and ergo, I give you TWO chapters. :D Thanks to Pookie for the tin can idea.  
  
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Pippin walked back into Bag End intrepidously. He walked very slowly to the parlor. Gandalf had not changed position.  
  
"Hello?" he whispered. A single strand of the beard curled and hissed. Pippin crept closer. "Can you hear me?" A few more hairs came alive and hissed venomously. Pippin pulled the object from behind his back. It was two tin cans connected with a length of string. He and Merry had used to talk to each other in it as (younger) children. He picked up the firepoker that he had dropped earlier in his free hand, and poked the beard. It exploded, and Pippin threw one of the cans into it. The beard grabbed it and pulled it in with such force that he was nearly knocked off his feet. But he held his ground and the beard stopped struggling. Pippin waited for a second, then he spoke into the can.  
  
"M-Merry? Frodo? Sam? Can you hear me?"  
  
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"What was that?" gasped Frodo. The mist had swirled again and something dropped down.  
  
"Now there's an eye opener and-"  
  
"No mistake," sighed Merry.  
  
"It's a tin can on a string?" said Frodo looking at it.  
  
"It's Pippin! Good old Pip!" shouted Merry taking hold of it and putting it to his ear. Frodo looked at Sam who just shrugged.  
  
"He's there!" shouted Merry. He spoke into the can and then put his ear to it again.  
  
"How'd he get in there?" asked Sam.  
  
"What does he say?" said Frodo.  
  
"He says he hates to tell us so, but he does tell us so, and he's angry at us for causing him trouble again," said Merry.  
  
"Give me that," said Frodo. He took it. "Pippin? Are you in the parlor? Did you send that carrot? Yes yes, Farmer Maggot, we'll get to that later. Now listen, we think the Nose has something to do with this. What?" He looked at Merry. "He says he curses the day he first met you."  
  
"I love you too, Pip," muttered Merry.  
  
"He says he loves you, no don't leave! I want you to do something, I want you to find something that stinks...no not Merry. I meant smell. Now that wasn't very nice! I'm going to have you apologize for that right now!" He gave the can to Sam who regarded it with suspicion.  
  
"Hello!" he shouted. "Can you hear me? You can?" He peered inside the can.  
  
"There's no need to shout, Sam," whispered Frodo. "Just speak clearly."  
  
"Those Tooks and their newfangled machines...hadn't ought to go meddlin...what's that? No Mr. Pippin, I wasn't. Oh, oh oh! Are the sausages still in the sink? Well, look!" He waved Merry and Frodo over.  
  
"Mr. Pippin's gone to see after the sausages. I've a plan! What what? Oh yes!" He listened intentely to the can. "Well, set 'em afire again!" There was a squawk that all three hobbits could hear audibly from several feet from the can.  
  
"There's no need to get foul at the mouth! After they're afire, just send 'em down here."  
  
"What for? I don't think setting the beard on fire is going to help," said Merry.  
  
"I can't speak of it right at the moment, seeing as we're within the Noses' beard's ears, if you follow me," said Sam.  
  
"Sam, you're a wonder," Frodo shook his head.  
  
"Hey," said Merry. "If the can and the carrot came in, maybe we can get out?"  
  
"What do you mean?" said Frodo.  
  
"What I mean, is maybe Pippin could let down a rope or something, and we could climb out?" "I don't know," mused Frodo. "Perhaps."  
  
"Maybe we could climb up the carrot?" said Sam helpfully.  
  
"Maybe not climb it, but we could test it!" said Merry. "Help me with this thing!" They struggled and finally got the giant carrot to stand upright. They pushed it upwards with all their might. There was a sound like thunder, a flash brighter than day, and the three were thrown to the ground.  
  
"Wh-what happened?" said Merry. They looked around. They were covered with orange pulp. They looked to the carrot. Half of it was there, the other half was scattered about haphazardly. "So much for that idea," sighed Frodo.  
  
"At least there's a bit of color about," sighed Sam. "Less monotony, if you follow me."  
  
"Not very far," murmured Merry. 


	6. Chapter Six!

Only two more chapters to go........ ____________________________________________________ Pippin rushed into the kitchen and set the pan in the sink back on the stove. He started getting a fire going, when to his horror came a knock on the door.  
  
"Oh no!" he groaned. He tried to ignore it, but it became more insistent, and then there was a loud voice.  
  
"Frodo Baggins! Come to the door this instant!" It was Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. Pippin cursed under his breath and tried working quieter. All of a sudden, there came a bonnetted head at the window.  
  
"Well, young master Took! Are we cooking for our inferiors now?" she mocked. "Why are you cooking?"  
  
"Well, erm, you see, Sam's a bit under the weather, you see."  
  
"And what are you cooking? Smells like rats!"  
  
"Oh yes, rat sausages," said Pippin smacking his lips. "Yummy! Frodo likes them extra well done, see?" he shoved the pan out the window and showed her. Her eyes blazed as she stepped away.  
  
"Well!" she huffed. "Just wait until your father hears of this! And don't think he won't, because my Lotho has standing in the Shire, just you wait you brat! You're still nothing but a nasty tweenager." She turned to go, and then tossed as a parting shot, "Tell Frodo that I stopped by, little Pippin." Then flounced off with her nose in the air.  
  
"Oh, I won't forget Lobelia my dear, though I may forgive you," muttered Pippin. He shook himself and returned to feverish firebuilding. Unfortunately, he wasn't the most experienced at this fine art and it took him at least fifteen minutes to get the remotest flicker.  
  
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"Oi, am I thirsty," said Sam wiping his brow with his hand.  
  
"Don't think about it," said Frodo.   
  
"What is taking that Pippin so long?" said Merry. "And what is your grand plan, Sam?"  
  
"I don't think I had best talk about it yet. You'll see soon enough, providin' that Mr. Pippin hurries with those sausages."  
  
"So we have to rely on Pippin again. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up saving the world someday!" said Merry letting himself fall onto his back.  
  
"You never know," murmured Frodo. He was thinking of his uncle Bilbo's magic ring. Could that be what the Nose was after, somehow? Was the plain band of gold more than it appeared? He couldn't help but grin at the thought of a nose wearing a ring. What an idea, a Nose Ring! He almost laughed out loud. Suddenly, the mists started swirling. Merry grabbed the tin can.  
  
"Pippin? Have you got them?" He listened for a moment. "There's no time for name calling, Pippin! Sam, what do you want him to do?"  
  
"Send 'em down here," said Sam. "Carefully as you can!" The mists swirled and the form of a frying pan dropped down at their feet, scattering blackened smoking lumps.  
  
"Yuck," said Frodo. "What exactly are you going to do?"  
  
"Hold Mr. Merry, Mr. Frodo," said Sam gingerly picking up a sausage.  
  
"What!" shouted Merry. "What are you doing?"  
  
"It's got to be done!" cried Sam. "The Nose has got to be taught a lesson!" Merry fought against Frodo but Sam tackled him low and knocked him to the ground. Frodo sat on his legs and Sam on his chest.  
  
"I'm sorry to do this, Mr. Merry, but I think it's the only way," said Sam.  
  
"Curse you, you fat cross-eyed naaaaggghhh!!" Sam grabbed his nose fiercly and poised the smoldering sausage. Merry's eyes crossed and he screamed. There was a wet popping sound, and Sam toppled backwards onto Frodo. Merry clutched his face and staggered to his knees. Sam and Frodo looked at the Nose twitching violently in Sam's hand.  
  
"Good g-gracious!" said Sam. "I didn't even get the sausage near it! It just popped off!" Frodo was promptly sick.  
  
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Pippin waited for nearly a whole minute. Nothing was happening. He strode about impatiently. He paused in front of the wizard to think a moment. Then without warning the beard erupted in fury. Screaming sounds came from within. Pippin grabbed the firepoker and raised it above his head..........  
  
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Bwahaha! A cliffhanger! Is it me or is this story ten times wierder than the original? 


	7. Seven Not like you care or anything so...

Last chapter, unless you count the bloopers. *sigh* I hope this fixed it, Salysha. Thank you for your very encouraging reviews. :) ====================================================  
  
"Well, that was almost scarily easy," said Sam. "No blood, no nothin'."  
  
"Sam, don't," whispered Frodo.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo. Mr. Merry, are you alright?"  
  
"Sam...if we ever get out of here I will personally strangle you with my bare hands!" Merry lunged, fingers clawing, but Sam dodged easily out of the way and tripped him as he went past. There was an eerie noise and all three looked up. The mists were swirling wildly. The tin can fell to the ground, the string burned through. The ground shook.  
  
"Ahh, does anyone know what's happening?" said Merry. His voice was very nasal.  
  
"Uhm, Mr. Merry? You have no nose," said Sam simply. Merry put his hand to where his nose had been. There was no mark of there ever being a nose there.  
  
"Drat it all, Sam!" he said, and he would have said more, but there was a flash of light and a shriek.   
  
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............Pippin raised the firepoker above his head. With a roar he brought it down, not hearing the strange whishing noise and narrowly missing Frodo's head and crashing down onto Gandalf's.  
  
"Great Elephants!" exploded Gandalf, waking up and surveying the three hobbits on his lap and the one in front of him wielding a firepoker threateningly. "Just what is going on here, you Tom-fool of a Took???"  
  
"Ummm, just playing a game Gandalf, heh heh," laughed Pippin dropping the firepoker.   
  
"Yeah, Whack the Wizard?" said Frodo.  
  
"Not a very fun game, if you ask me!" said the wizard feeling his forehead. He stood up scattering the three. "What are you doing? Get off of me! I'm surprised at you, Frodo! And Merry and Sam too! I'm too old for this sort of business, and so are you! You're acting like tweenagers!"  
  
"That's what I am," said Pippin grinning sickly but not able to keep his eyes off of Merry's face. Merry covered where his nose used to be with his hand.  
  
"What's the matter with you?" snapped Gandalf.  
  
"Uh, I think I hit my nose," said Merry. The wizard softened a bit.  
  
"I'm sorry Merry, I seemed to have overslept. And I had the strangest dreams," he laughed softly. "It seems that nose story that Frodo told me influenced even my thoughts." He laughed out loud. "Imagine that!"  
  
"Yeah," muttered Merry glaring at Sam. Gandalf misinterpreted the look.  
  
"You weren't there, Samwise, but Frodo and Pippin told me that Merry's nose was evil! And I even dreamed that it had taken over the Shire." He chuckled again.  
  
"Huh, that's mighty funny, Mr. Gandalf sir," said Sam.  
  
"Goodness me! Look how late it is! I must be off."  
  
"Must you so soon, Gandalf?" cried Frodo. "Can't you stay for a glass of Old Winyards?" The three hobbits brightened visibly.  
  
"Well, I suppose there's always time for Old Winyards," nodded Gandalf winking at Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Merry, hadn't you better go home and see to your nose?" said Sam suddenly breaking his silence.  
  
"Whad?" said Merry looking blankly at him.  
  
"Yes, we wouldn't want it to get infected now, would we?" said Pippin smiling.  
  
"It might swell up and return to life!" grinned Frodo weakly. Merry scowled.  
  
"Besides," said Frodo, "If I'm not mistaken you've already had a glass of my Old Wineyards today, am I right?"  
  
Merry glared at Frodo for a long moment. "Bye," he said simply, and stalked out the door.  
  
"More for us!" said Pippin.  
  
"But hadn't you better look after your friend?" said Sam slipping something into his hand.  
  
Pippin looked. "What...?" Frodo motioned for silence.  
  
"You'd better go. Anyway, you've had enough of my Wineyards to last a lifetime." Pippin sighed and left.  
  
"Sam, have you weeded today?" said Frodo.  
  
"Why, no I haven't Mr. Frodo! It's been busy what with all the...cleaning going on around here and all." Sam bustled out the door to get to work.  
  
"Don't want the weeds taking over the garden now, do we Sam?" called Frodo.  
  
"That's a good one, Mr. Frodo!"  
  
"Cleaning?" said Gandalf. He picked up the frying pan and the blackened sausages from the floor.  
  
"Umm, umm, spots in the rug? Charcoal is good for that, you know," said Frodo lamely.  
  
Gandalf surveyed the mess. "Tin cans, frying pans, unidentified blackened food, half a carrot, what I wouldn't give to know what you were doing." He rolled his eyes.  
  
"Believe me, Gandalf, you don't want to know. Now how about those Wineyards?" 


	8. Eight whoopidy doo bloopers

Bloopers, and the like.  
  
"That was almost scarily easy! No blood or nothin'!" said Sam.  
  
"Please don't," whispered Frodo.  
  
"No blood? No snot?" said Merry. "It just popped out? No tearing? No ripping?"  
  
"Nope. Just a popping sound, like a toe out of joint, that."  
  
Frodo went green and dashed off to be sick again.  
  
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"Oi, am I thirsty!" said Sam wiping his brow.  
  
"Try not to think about it," said Frodo. Then he frowned and put out his hand. "Is it raining?"  
  
"Oh, water!" said Merry catching some in his hands.  
  
"If I didn't know no better, I'd say one could live quite comfortably in here," said Sam catching some of the water in his mouth and letting the cool, refreshing liquid dribble down his throat, and a little down his chin. Frodo and Merry laughed and splashed some at each other.  
  
. ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' . ' ` ' .  
  
Pippin stared in horror. The beard had opened, but there didn't seem to be a cause. He heard laughing and talk about water. There it was! Gandalf's mouth had opened in his sleep!  
  
"NOOOOOOOO!!!" howled Pippin grabbing the tin can. "DON'T DRINK IT!!! HE'S DROOOOOOOOLING!"  
  
There came screams from within, horrible, twisted sounds not sounding at all like happy carefree hobbits, or even human voices. Pippin dropped to his knees and clutched his heart.  
  
"Sweet Valar, let me die!!!!" came from within. "Ai Elbereth!!!"  
  
(It was Tweaks' idea! Don't hit me!)  
  
##########################################################  
  
^^ Behind the Scenes: Inside the Beard ^^ Director (me)-Ok, cut! Break for lunch!  
  
Elijah: Whew! I thought we'd never get that take done!  
  
Dom: You're telling me?  
  
Sean: Stupid feet.  
  
Elijah: I never knew it was that hard to fake vomit!  
  
Dom: Must you?  
  
*a noise is heard and a figure bursts onto the set*  
  
Hugo: Mr. AAAndurson!  
  
Elijah: Not again! Hugo, there's nobody here named Anderson!  
  
Hugo: There isn't?  
  
Dom: No.  
  
Hugo: Uhhh, Mr. AAAAstin!  
  
Sean: Aren't you supposed to be on the "Evil Eyebrow Rampage" set?  
  
Hugo: No, they said I could take the rest of the day off! Mr. AAAstin! Put it on my tab!  
  
Dom: *whispers* Elijah, did you hide his meds again?  
  
Elijah: But it's so funny...  
  
################################################  
  
"My dear Frodo, do you know what?" said Gandalf putting his hand on the hobbit's curly head.  
  
"What, Gandalf?" said the hobbit turning his enormous blue eyes upward.  
  
"You'd think that people would'a had enough of silly love songs," sighed Gandalf  
  
"What?"  
  
"I look around me and I seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it isn't so."  
  
"Oh?"   
  
"No. Some people wanna fill the woooooorld with silly love songs. What's wrong with that? I'd like to know. 'Cuz here I gooo, agaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!"  
  
"Elijah! You took his meds too?" wailed Dom.  
  
"Ok, you're right. Maybe it isn't funny."  
  
######################################################  
  
"Theeshr good Winnerds," slurred the wizard gazing at his glass with bleared eyes.  
  
"Do ya hafta go sho shoon?" hiccupped Frodo. "I got lotsh more in the shcellar...we could ivvite shome people ovver, have a party...good timesh."  
  
"I could ivvite schome real wild people...Sharumang'll lovva come."  
  
"Mr. Frodo? Your garden is all weeded," said Sam.  
  
"Sham!" cried Frodo getting up and walking unsteadily towards him. "We gonna have a party! Good timesh..."  
  
"I'monna 'vite the whole 'ntire White Counshil...Elronsh goshome good schtuff. Bring chipsh. Ang dipsh. Hic!"  
  
"Coffee, need more coffee," muttered Sam.  
  
######################################################  
  
Co-Author (Tweak) - Yo, Oddie!  
  
Oddie - Yeah...  
  
C-A - I don't appreciate the changes you made to my script ideas. I wanted that 'drooling' incident in the story, not as a blooper.  
  
Elijah - I seem to have some wierd growth on my elbows.  
  
C-A - Perfect! Let's write in in!  
  
Oddie - Maybe as a blooper.  
  
C-A - See! There you go again! Every good idea I have, "Let's make it into a blooper! Let's make it into a blooper!" It makes me sick.  
  
Oddie - Why do you call me Oddie?  
  
C-A - Cause I want to!  
  
Oddie - Well, you're a tweak!  
  
C-A - Now, now, just hold on a second. Breakfast should be ready soon.  
  
Billy - Did someone say second breakfast?  
  
Dom - Billy!  
  
Oddie - It's 8:30 in the evening.  
  
C-A - Aww, go eat somebody's gotee. Hey, that's a good plot twist! Y'know, Billy eats the beard!  
  
Oddie - Maybe as a blooper.  
  
C-A - ARRRRGGGHHH!  
  
Billy - No way I'm eating the beard.  
  
Elijah - Um, guys? It's getting bigger...  
  
Oddie - Aren't you supposed to be taking medication for that?  
  
Elijah - Yeah, have you seen them?  
  
Dom - (cackling wildly) See how you like it! Ha ha, throw THAT in a punchbowl, Ponce Hairytoes! Wahahahaha!  
  
C-A - Elijah, give him his meds back and I'll get yours. Sound fair?  
  
Elijah - Ok, fine. *sigh*  
  
##################################### And there ya have it at last. Maybe now you'll understand why I was slow getting it up. *sigh* And (hopefully) that's the end of the Beard saga. 


End file.
